July 29, 2014

This and That

Have I already used that blog post title? Probably... oh well..

And that's kind of where my mind is at right now. All over the place while being nowhere at all.

I also just really felt like blogging, but had no real direction, so be prepared..

I didn't do a big haircut reveal post because, frankly, my hair isn't much different. My appointment was crazy long, I saw a lot of hair fall to the floor, and it was probably my best haircut experience of my life (maybe one exception). But it basically looks the same. But better. It's like the healthier, better looking version of my hair before. Plus some major fixing of my bangs, and this oddly heavy part of my hair on the left side of my head.

[forgive these pictures...they are hastily taken and with an iPhone (duh) - but also with day 2 hair that was beachy wavy yesterday and straightened today..]

 (Yes, I really do wear my Zipline Brewing Company zip up hoodie at work when I'm cold... #hatersgunnahate)

I am currently in the midst of an attack of allergy eyes. And I hate it. Please see pictures above for proof. This past weekend, my eyes started itching. Then by Monday, my eyes itched so badly that it was all I could do to not scratch my eyeballs out. They are a little better today, but my eyes look just awful. I look kind of like an addict who doesn't ever sleep because they are always looking for the next fix. I mean - I don't sleep much, and I usually do have some bags under my eyes, but nothing like this on a normal basis. BOO.

Today is apparently national lipstick day. I wish I had the cajones to wear lipstick. But I can never find the right shade, then I end up feeling ridiculous. I also have kind of thin lips, so bolder colors don't look the best on me. And I don't smile too often (#grump), so I end up having frowny resting bitch face most of the time - and lipstick doesn't usually look all that good on that kind of face. When I bartend, I am trying to wear lipgloss, but a) that doesn't last too long, and b) it is sticky. I wish I could find a pretty color of lipstick that is long-wear and not a bajillion dollars.

the only lip stuff I have in my purse - probably will wear the one under the red

Speaking of bartending - it is going pretty well. I wish I knew more about cocktails still, but for some annoying reason, I have a real hard time remembering how much of what goes into each drink. I can read, research, and even write down ingredients and measurements, but my addled and tired brain just cannot remember. So I'm trying to sleep more...and failing, of course. Thankfully, we don't often have too crazy of drink orders, so I have been okay so far. KNOCK ON WOOD!!!

Also, it seems that I'm being scheduled every Tuesday to close. Good thing is that we don't stay open too late on Tuesdays. Bad thing is I still get home late and am wired, so I struggle to go to sleep at a reasonable time, and I am therefore a complete shitshow at my day job on Wednesdays. I don't mind working on Tuesdays, but I don't know how long I can continue to close the bar on the weekdays.

Hopefully that won't matter for too much longer because I will have a new job that I love and I won't have to come in to work at UNL crazy early on Wednesdays (okay - I come in at 8am, but I wake up at exactly 6:13am on Wednesdays so those are early days for me...).

Then again - I am having a hard time communicating with my potential job person. I know he's busy, and I am trying to be understanding, but I am also getting antsy. Mostly because I would love to work with him and at this particular job, but also because I want so badly to be done with my day job that I currently have. And the clock is ticking - once August strikes, I will be so busy that I won't hardly be able to see straight. Which means it is not exactly the ideal time for me to leave my current job. And while I may not care about the precarious position I put my current employers in, I do know that it could impact the students here, and that is something I do care about.

Anyways - I am trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. Who knows if the other job will even work out. I hope, hope, hope it does. But soon enough, it will be out of my hands.

Something else on my mind: beer. I know - you're all so surprised, right? I am so excited and have so many beer-related goals, and I can't wait to get started! But then I am slowly getting stuck back into my panicky rut where there is too much that I want to do, so I don't do anything because I have no idea where to start. I did order myself some fun beer things, so hopefully they will inspire me when they arrive!

I also need to write. Oh, do I so badly need to write. ACB has contacted me and wondered where I'm at in life and writing. This is where I detest my anxiety so much - I have so many ideas that I could write about, and I tell myself to just pretend I'm writing for my blog so it won't be that difficult. But then panic sets in and I get nervous about who will read it, what if I make a huge grammar or factual error, what if no one cares about my subject, what if ACB rejects an article after I've written it again, and the questions just go on and on. And then I don't write. And then I get angry with myself for being so fucking ridiculous.

Anyways, I'm about out of things to say that I don't need to elaborate upon for multiple paragraphs, and also I'm out of relateable pictures, and we all know blog posts need pictures (or something like that). So I shall close this post now. Thanks for reading!


July 24, 2014

Haircut Day

Today is Haircut Day.

Not a big deal, right? Wrong.

First of all - I have not gotten my poor hair trimmed or cut since December. My split ends have split ends that have split ends. It's a hot damn mess. My bangs are out of control. My hair doesn't even have a style. It's pretty awful.

Second of all, and honestly probably most important - I'm going to a new stylist. This is huge for me. Huge because pretty much since I have had hair, I've gone to the same place to cut my hair. Since probably eight or so, the same woman has cut my hair. She was great - a good human and a friend. Didn't always love my hair, but I'm a loyal person, so I kept going back. Then, at the end of December, she had rotator cuff surgery and was not cutting hair for a long time. When she finally came back, she was just doing hair coloring. Then I discovered that she would no longer be cutting hair at all - just coloring and styling. I was pretty devastated. (I'm not a fan of what I deem to be unnecessary change, remember?)

I've been putting off getting my hair cut, but it has been bothering me for a while.

But enough is enough! It needs to be trimmed, at the very least. Of course, since my hair is so gross at the ends, it needs probably a 2 inch trim, which is scary. Because when I look at my hair, it doesn't seem that long to me. I mean, I know that it is long, but it doesn't feel that way.

I mostly just want to chippity chop my hair off. But I cannot do that when I'm visiting a hair stylist for the first time! The last time I had someone else even trim my hair - and it was just my bangs - she cut them into a V shape... as in, my bangs were angled off to the side, but they were longer in the middle of my forehead. WRONG. It was awful! And it was on the day of my best friend's wedding and I was the maid of honor. *shudder*

I also have this strange complex (I know I'm irrational - no need to tell me!) about having short hair on me: I think my boobs are too big to have short hair. Yeah, that's real talk, people. I think that if I cut my hair too short, that all people will see are my big ol' boobs and a teeny tiny head. Irrational? Probably. But that's how I feel, and I've always felt that way, so good luck changing me!

So, all of that to say, I think I'm just getting a much-needed trim today. And maybe have her re-style my terrible bangs.


Ugh. But I'm bad at decisions. So I have no clue what to do. And I'm scared, because what if she screws up my hair?! I mean - she is the stylist for my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law, so she has a vested interest in making sure I'm happy with my cut. But still!

Anyways, this was a fluffy, meaningless post. But honestly, this is what's on my mind right now. This, and the job application that I finally have in my hot little hands to apply for a job that could be the beginning of a great thing for me. But the haircut was easier to write about :)

So that's all for now. I'll let you know how the haircut goes, because I'm sure you are all on tenterhooks about it. [are tenterhooks a thing? I feel like I read that in Harry Potter or something. Or I'm crazy. Or just sleep-deprived. Probably both. Ok - I'm done!]

crappy picture - but EXTRA YIKES.


July 23, 2014

NOTD: Flip Flopped Inspiration

Guys - hey guys! I actually used my lightbox and fancy (it isn't really fancy) lamp to take pictures of my nails! I know - I was just as shocked as you!

I'm kind of obsessing over these nails - I love them so much! I've been bitten by the neon bug, what can I say?!

These nails were inspired by a photo I found on Instagram by @lifeisbetterpolished and her #bestietwinnails with @just1nail. I LOVED it at first sight! And I knew I needed to try it out. I even used some of the same nail polishes :)

Polishes Used: China Glaze Flip Flop Fantasy, OPI Don't Bossa Nova Me Around, Zoya Purity, and OPI My Favorite Ornament

Yes, I had to edit to color-correct, and yes, that made my skin a little orangey. Gross. BUT - these photos still don't quite capture how incredibly bright Flip Flop Fantasy is - but it's one of my favorite polishes! And it looks especially bright with my hands an iota tanner - I sat outside for half an hour at lunch on Monday (it was gloriously hot outside, so I got my much-needed vitamin D the sunny way), and tanned my hands right up!

Anyways, these are free-hand lines. I think that the inspiration nails were done using tape, but for whatever reason my brain thinks tape takes longer, and I'm never really all that successful with tape. So I free-handed. I usually do, anyway. They are not perfect, and I was a little sleepy, but I think they turned out pretty decent on the whole.

What do you think? Are you craving neons now that summer is finally here and getting hot? I know I am!

Thanks for reading!


July 22, 2014

NOTD: Inspired Bleached Neons

So Sunday I starting writing a post, but then it was just a bunch of hooey. Then Monday I attempted to color-correct these photos to write a post about nails. But then I got too distracted at work. Decided I should attempt to post these nails since I took the time to take and edit-ish them.

Couple of things first..

Bartending is rough on the nails and my hands in general. I'm trying to keep my nails short, but these idiot nails grow like weeds (I am thankful for this almost always). But my hands and cuticles are an absolute wreck right now. So - sorry in advance for less-than-perfect-looking nails!

Second, these bleached neons are impossible to photograph. Especially out in the sun. So they are edited beyond cropping. The goal is to make the polish as color-accurate as possible. This sometimes causes the color of my skin to look funky. Mostly because I either edit in the Picasa desktop application or upload my photos into my Photos drive in my Google account and edit them there.

Next up, these photos were taken while waiting for Luke's triathlon this past weekend, in Omaha. Don't worry - I was an attentive aunt! The 6 through 10 year olds went first, so I had some time to kill while we waited for the next group (Luke's group) to go.

Also, I decided I really should share after these nails somehow blew up my Instagram! I have no idea how or why they have been so popular - 149 likes and counting! - especially since the picture is kinda crappy, but it was pretty fun to see! I know 149+ is not that many likes, but my most so far is 76 (I just checked - I don't have that memorized!), so I'm almost double that right now. Kinda floored!

Finally, and probably most importantly, these nails were inspired by The Nailasaurus's Beautiful Bleached Mess, and I obviously did not succeed. However, I really ended up loving these nails! They were insanely bright (mercy, am I happy I found the Maybelline Bleached Neons before they were gone!), pretty easy to do, and really eye-catching!

The colors I used are: Zoya Purity as the base, Maybelline Lime Accent (green), Day Glow Teal (teal), Coral Heat, Lust for Lilac, then the accent nail is Maybelline Bleached in Peach with Precious Pearl glitter on top.

The last two pictures are probably the most color-accurate.

Anyways, I really loved these! I was on a bleached neon kick for a while, and these only inspired me to love them even more! Unfortunately, these did not last past the weekend, as I served a day and cleaned on Sunday.

Don't worry - I have more inspired neon nail art on my nails right now! And I even took real pictures of them! Exciting, right?!

Sneaky peek:

I know - I don't even remember the last time I got out my lightbox and lamp... I just need to take a picture of these beautiful nails in the low-light, then I'll post!

PS - I'm still incredibly happy with my big decision last week, and have definitely not changed my mind. Hooray for making huge decisions!

July 17, 2014

Hold My Own and Drive

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Words will never express how much Incubus has impacted my life and how much I love this band.

This song, "Drive," is such a beautiful song. Too bad some people think Incubus "sold out" or whatever because this song brought them into the mainstream, with the video showcasing Brandon Boyd's shirtless self and his artistry. But if you truly listen to the lyrics, it has quite the message.

It seemed fitting this morning for an Incubus song to come across the SiriusXM Alt Nation channel when I was on my way to work.

Yesterday, I made a big life decision. Knowing me, I will continue to question it for a while. I'll probably change my mind at least a few more times. But I think I really have my mind made up, with a lot of legitimate and reasonable justifications for my decision.

I have let a lot of not-good reasoning drive my decisions to do certain things this past year or so. I think it is finally time to accept myself and to do what I can to pursue my happiness. Even if pursuing said happiness takes me down some strange, unconventional, and not-the-safe-choice roads. I'm tired of playing it safe, making my decisions based on the simple fact that something is "safe" or "easy."

Can I do it? Is it worth it?

My mom swears by these two questions to help make determinations about changes. And I get it. I really do. But I sometimes don't think that either of those questions always has a simple answer. Maybe that's because I over-analyze everything.

Can I get my MBA? Sure.
Is it worth it? Yeah, probably.

But - can I? and is it?

For what I really want to do with my life, for where my passions lie, for the things I cannot fathom letting go of and forgetting about?

I've determined the answer is simply just no.

It has taken time and much soul-searching. Many conversations, rationalizations, reality checks. But I think I have finally determined that I will not be continuing the pursuit of a masters degree, in marketing or anything else. At least not right now.

I knew that after June 6, when my marketing class ended, that I would need to make a decision about continuing my education further. The program has a break from June 6 until August 25. I knew during that time, if I decided to continue, that I would need to take the GRE or GMAT.

Today is July 17, and I can promise you that, unless you count writing a post here with five GRE words, I have not studied for the GRE one iota. This has been weighing on me a great deal.

Another goal was to study for and take the Certified Beer Server exam in the month of June. That clearly did not happen, as I would have been shouting with joy from rooftops if I had taken the exam and passed. The fact that I have not prepared for or taken this exam honestly has weighed on me more than the same failings with the GRE.

That should be some sort of clue as to my true desires in life, but I'm a natural skeptic and not easily convinced.

In December of 2015, Derek will finish his MBA. Our goal has been that he will start looking for jobs nationally (okay - within a 12-hour drive of Nebraska because I can't be too far away from my parents) once he receives his MBA. As I was discussing this with Kyla the other day, it struck me that if I continue with my MBA goal as well, I will still be 21 credit hours away from completing my degree. That means we either cannot move yet, or that I don't finish my degree. Neither of which, in my opinion, are ideal options. I want so badly to move - or at least have a new job and new life opportunities. But I also don't want to quit my MBA if I had made it just over halfway through the program.

This realization was a big shock to my system.

Then yesterday, I was musing to Kyla again, and she asked about the program, classes, etc. When I looked it up online to show her, I made some more discoveries. See, starting this fall, the program is changing quite a bit. They restructured it, making the classes 8 weeks long (instead of 10), so students can easily take 15 hours a year. I knew this, and I was always uneasy about this fact. What I did not realize was that they were changing the degree requirements for the specific courses. And they were dropping a marketing class. So if I want to specialize in marketing, all I get is three additional classes (other than the intro class I already took). The degree program is 48 credit hours. That means only 1/4 of my degree would be focused on my specialization, and that 3/4 of the classes would be an enormous struggle for me, as they would focus on economics, accounting, finance, investments, and even agribusiness and international business.

That was a huge disappointment to me. None of those things interest me in the slightest. My brain is not so good with the numbers and concepts associated with those kinds of courses. I always knew I'd have to suffer through economics, accounting, and finance to complete the core requirements. I never knew I would have to take multiple courses in any of those subjects.

Those two realizations play a key role in my decision to no longer pursue my masters degree in business.

I also have been looking a lot lately back at the past year and a half, and contemplating how I got to where I am right now. I have realized that I have made a lot of decisions out of frustration, anger, with a shaken confidence, and perhaps with things other than my happiness in mind.

    I was upset about my UNL job not allowing me to flex my schedule to work in Zipline's taproom.

    I was bummed about not applying in time to the Zipline Taproom Manager position last year.

    I was in hate with my UNL job in general, ready to move on. But I was feeling like I was out of options due to my salary, job title, experience, and degree.

Those things lead me to decide to pursue a new degree. After a few curves that the universe threw my way, I ended up deciding to begin the same program as Derek, and jumping though a ton of hoops to actually start it. I've taken undergrad classes at UNL and Central Community College just to get here.

I think I was mostly just stubborn and frustrated. That lead me to be unhappy in a degree program.

    I was upset about not getting the Taproom Manager and Event Coordinator position at Zipline this year.

    I was frustrated about never hearing back about my application for Information Specialist for Ploughshare Brewing. And a little hurt, since I knew I had a previous good relationship with the owner, who knew I had applied.

    I was irritated that I didn't get a bartender or server position at Mellow Mushroom, even though they clearly needed help, and the manager I spoke with really elevated my hopes about the potential, only to not get back to me for about three weeks.

Those things lead me to apply for a bartender job at Longwell's (yeah, there's the name - though I think it is a surprise to no one at this point). Which lead me to hear, once again, that I didn't have the experience, and that I would need to serve first. Only this time I was actually hired. I played the waiting game, paid my serving dues, maybe begged a little, and now I am finally bartending.

Even though there are a lot of issues I have with Longwell's, I generally am enjoying bartending and working there. But due to my classes starting back up in August, and knowing how incredibly burnt out I was while working two jobs and taking a class, I've been contemplating my future with Longwell's. I had a heart-to-heart with Derek about it this past weekend. I decided I'd continue with my MBA, keep my job at Longwell's but change to only working two shifts a week, and continue looking for jobs at the university so I could continue to use my benefit of 15 credit hours of tuition for free each year to work on my MBA.

While I was happy to finally make a decision, my heart was still heavy.

Kyla really helped me yesterday to talk out my feelings, my complications, my concerns.

I realized I was attempting to get my degree for the wrong reasons. And that the degree pursuit is, in a few ways, holding me back. Holding me back from getting out of my full time job that I hate so much, that has changed me for the worse as a person, that gives me so much anxiety that it makes my physically ill. Holding me back from my passion of craft beer, working towards my Cicerone (even if it takes me a lifetime), and even from writing for American Craft Beer, which I miss terribly. Holding me back by potentially holding Derek back from his pursuit of an out-of-state job after he earns his MBA. Holding me back from much more.

Last night, I confessed this all to Derek. He understood and accepted my reasoning, realizing himself that I was right, and that this degree was probably not the best path for me. I am so grateful that Derek is so supportive of me - I am truly lucky for that!

Less than an hour after that discussion with Derek, an opportunity knocked on my door. One I so hope will work out. One that I cannot wait to tell you about, and hopefully with a smile on my face because it did work out. But I was sort of offered a job last night that I didn't even see coming at all. The time was not right for questions and answers, so I've emailed the guy, and I hope to get more information. I hope the response will contain good news. If not, then hopefully I can use this as a jumping off point for my new direction in life.

I feel the weight of a boulder off my shoulders today. Whether or not this other job opportunity works out, in this moment I am happy (from "I Wish You Were Here" by Incubus -- the song I heard this morning in the car on the way to work). I am happy I have finally made a decision about my life. My only hope is that I can make it work out. But I have some roadblocks out of my way, and that should help immensely.

I am finally going to be the one behind the wheel and not let my fear take the wheel and steer anymore.