I'm going to apply for a new job. At the University.
This may come as a surprise, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I'm okay with this whole thing, but it's something I think I need to do.
I'm still in complete awe of the journey I've been on in the past year. I think back to where I was this time last year. That was not a great place - it had a lot of crying, stress, panic, questioning decisions (oh hey, this sounds familiar), and too much Managerial Economics. But still excited about a chance to get my MBA and move up in my life. Now, I'm working full time at a restaurant in various capacities - too many - and frustrated to the hilt every day.
Right now, I serve, bartend, do admin work, do social media, and I shift manage. I sit in meetings on Tuesdays with too many people. I get yelled at and belittled. I sometimes probably deserve it. I don't get the good shifts where I make any money. I am micromanaged in a very strange way while given freedom that's not really free.
But I've made friends. I have fun with the majority of the people I work with. At the end of the day, I work in craft beer and social media, which is kind of the dream (other than working in a brewery). In some ways, I am about a million times happier than I was six months ago. In other ways, I feel the same but from a different source.
I feel like, if I give up on what I'm doing now and go get a job at the University - any 8-5 desk job, really - then I failed. And I honestly have not given this little experiment much time - about 4 months. It feels both eons longer and also like time has flown by.
Is 4 months really long enough to give a job a chance?
Am I ready to give up on a dream? Don't get me wrong - Longwell's was never the dream. But it was a step in the right direction of fulfilling that dream.
I'm not the kind of person that likes to job hop. If I apply for this job at the University and if I get the job, I don't want to keep looking for another opportunity. If that perfect brewery opportunity fell into my lap, it would be hard for me to make that leap. The leap away from security again and towards something so uncertain. I've done that. And if I quit now, then, to myself anyway, it feels like I failed. I hate failure. I hate accepting it for myself. I try to set my life up to not fail. So why would I make change just to make another change?
That's another thing. Change. I don't think I could have ever imagined the pace at which the restaurant industry goes, change-wise. The people come and go. Job duties are in no way consistent from one month to the next. As a person who balks at change, adjusting to this job and its constant state of change has been very difficult for me. I feel like I'm in a never ending state of unknowing.
And the communication! I truly never believed a group of adults could communicate worse than my previous job. Surprise! I was oh so wrong. I am continuously surprised by how horribly the people I work with now communicate. And I have no idea where to even begin to rectify it. Not that it is my job to fix it, but good gravy.
Just when I think I find a way in, when I find an ounce of respect, something changes and it feels like I fuck everything up. Here, at this job, I feel like I am constantly set up for failure. I don't need someone to hold my hand - but I do need to have an opportunity to succeed, too.
Then there is also money. Or lack of money. Derek and I had an agreement about how much money I needed to be making in order for this to still continue and be okay for us financially. In no way do I meet that. I knew it would be a struggle, and that life wouldn't be the same without a steady paycheck and relying upon tipped shifts. But the problem is this: I make such a low wage with my admin/social media role that I need those tipped shifts, but by working those tipped shifts, I lose time I could be spending being better at my admin/social media role. In essence, I work 20-25 hours a week in the admin/social media role, and the other hours are supposed to me managing hours with a few tipped shifts sprinkled in. But lately, my general manager has been there when I'm supposed to be shift managing. And the deal is, when the GM is in the building, all other shift managers are supposed to be clocked in as the $2.13/hr wage, not their designated manager wage. And since I manage on slower shifts, that means I make low tips (because there are just not tables/guests to take care of, not because I'm a bad server/bartender). One morning, I opened the restaurant on a Sunday. I had no one sit at my bar and I had no tables of guests. Only a couple of tables came in, and I had servers on the clock, so I felt beholden to them to take the tables. So I made $0 in tips. But thank goodness for my manager wage, otherwise it would have been awful. But this past Sunday, my GM was in the building for my whole shift. We were really slow and I was scheduled to serve. I took three tables and made $27.50, $2.50 of which I had to tip out to the bar. But I was making $2.13/hour, not my manager wage. That comes out to making $7.13/hour - lower than minimum wage. Talk about a rough Sunday!
I wish I worked 40 hours a week in my admin/marketing role. Then I would know I had a set amount of money I brought in each week. But then I think back to why I even have this job: to bartend. If I work 40 hours for the owner, that means no more bartending. Not that I'm scheduled to bartend much right now anyway, but still.
So I've gotten off track. And it's getting late. And I work admin/marketing and then close the bar tomorrow night - my last bartending shift for at least two weeks (boo).
This job I may apply for at the University is a great opportunity. It is in an area I would enjoy working, I think. I would get to work with students again - something I missed greatly at my last job but loved about my first University job. It's also a raise from where I was at my last job, and a managerial job, so an actual salary and more vacation and sick leave. You never really realize how amazing of a benefit paid vacation and sick leave are until you don't have them..
But if I apply for and get the job, does it kill my dream? Does it make me a failure at pursuing my dream, a failure for giving up?
Does this great opportunity outweigh my dreams? Or is my happiness more important than pursuing a dream that will probably never be a reality? Because I am definitely not happy in my job now. Once again, it isn't so much the job that is bad - it could be so great if I was trusted and had the freedom to do things like I want - but it's the people. Like, two and a half people. But they are important people that control my paycheck, my schedule, and my ability to work with craft beer. So is it better to try to fix this happiness (again) and move on? Or do I stick it out for the dream?
One thing I do know for sure: I am glad I am not at my last job still. I know with 100% of my heart and soul that leaving that job was the right decision. What I did after and what I will do next are still up in the air as to their success.
Anyways, that's all for now. Knowing me, I'll chicken out and not apply for the job. Too much anxiety. So here's to hoping I get my shit together and don't screw up this opportunity. Because whether or not I get or take the job, I think it would be wrong to not try.
Oh - on a lighter note, I chopped my hair off. Though I'm still not sure about the cut two+ weeks later, I don't regret having my long hair gone. I don't think the sides are even - one has more layers than the other - and I forgot how much longer it takes to do short hair in the morning, but overall, I'm pretty pleased with it. Here's a picture, so this post can have a picture, as unrelated as it may be to 90% of the post content ;)
|Cut about 10" off - it was so layered in the front that it's easier to tell by the back that it's shorter..|