May 20, 2015

Struggling + Change

*** I wrote this post yesterday during the day, but I never got around to posting it. But I would really like to post it, as it was my yesterday and is my life right now, though I am feeling not so yucky today (thankfully) *** 

I should do a "new job update" post, and I hope for my own sake that I will.

But today I am down in the dumps. And though I am not alone, I am feeling lonely. Lonely in my own little struggles, goals, attempts at change - everything. So I thought I'd see if writing helped.

I am currently in the throes of trying to make some life changes. One of those things that I think has honestly kept me away from this space on the Internet is attempting to write in a daily gratitude journal. I find it difficult to write positive and grateful things every day and to fill a whole page, so I often will write a bit about my day or mood, or even what is stressing me out. Then I will be grateful and positive - or at least try. Writing there daily (or mostly daily) has kind of made it feel redundant to come here and write. But then I had a yucky morning and had to come to work, so my outlet is here, on a lunch break. So cheers to that, I guess.

Another one of my life changes I am attempting to make is one that has been a constant struggle for me for so many years. It will come as no surprise that I'm trying to make changes to my weight, my fitness, and my health in general. And that's where my struggle and yucky morning came from. But here are some more details..



I have a dorky little calendar and little sparkly rainbow star stickers to help keep me on track. My goals, which each get a color-coordinated sticker, are: No Soda (mostly Coca Cola, because I am sadly addicted), No Alcohol (I'm trying to cut back - so I get a reward if I have a night with no alcohol - but I'm not trying to cut it out entirely or anything), Drink 64oz of Water (because this is a struggle), Walk (treadmill or outside - anything that is more walking than normal), Run (because I want so badly to be a runner, and now I have a 5k goal for next summer, so I have to now!), Follow Daily Food Plan (I'm a nerd - I have a worksheet to fill out with breakfast, lunch, and dinner ideas each day), and Go to Bed by Midnight (obviously a huge struggle for me, and a huge hindrance to a healthy life).

So nothing crazy. Just all good goals to live a healthier life.

I started my little calendar at the beginning of May, though I had already started attempting to make some of those changes before then. May 1 was also my first day at my new job. It was important to me to have my goals in place before I started my job, with the wholehearted understanding that I did not expect to meet all of them every day, especially when I was first getting started.

I've actually been doing surprisingly well, especially with a few of my goals. I am Coca Cola free since April 26! In fact, the only soda I've had since April 26 was an accidental vodka and Sprite on Cinco de Mayo - I didn't even realize I was ordering something with pop in it until I started drinking it. Oops! But to say my Coke-free life is huge would actually be an understatement, sadly. When I was working at Longwell's, I basically mainlined the stuff - it was free for me as an employee, and I sat there all day long. It also really helps with my headaches, which have been brutal since I stopped drinking Coke, and that's probably when I miss it the most.

In the past 19 days of my goal tracking, I've done a really good job of no alcohol, too. I've had alcohol less than half of the days, and considering Derek's birthday, Lincoln Beer Week, and starting a stressful (in a good way) new job have all taken place in those last 19 days, I could not be more impressed with myself! I think this one is hard on Derek. But we'll get through it! Also, I should say, "no alcohol" means I can have a sip of a great beer Derek is drinking and be alright, but beyond two drinks is considered a no-sticker-day in my book!

The water goal has gone well, too, especially since I bought myself a new Camelbak and can keep track of my water intake easily. Some days I think I drink too much water, and feel like I could just roll around from place to place.

Running is not happening yet at all, which is okay, because that is more of a long-term goal than anything right now. I have not been walking, though I did start yesterday again, and have planned to do it more often this week. I knew that I would want to relax, worry about my breakfast & lunch food prep, and making dinner consistently, and those were more important at this point than exercise. Maybe dumb, but it was my thought process.

The Daily Food Plan has been so-so. Last week was so weird in the evenings that my plan was no plan. Not the best plan, but we had events to go to most of the nights last week, so there was no point in planning too much. This week has been alright so far - stuck to my list 100%!



And do I even need to talk about the Go to Bed by Midnight one? Yeah, probably not. I try. And I do go to bed before 2am usually, and it ends up being closer to 1am, but I am still struggling with this. And besides - I'm not that much better on six hours of sleep than five, or even eight for that matter, so it's hard for my brain to make itself go sleep. Dumb, I know.

Here's the thing, though. Even if I haven't been perfect at meeting my goals, I have made a lot of improvements to my habits, I have been eating better and drinking less bad things and more good things. Shouldn't that matter, even if I'm not running five miles a day?

Maybe it's dumb, but I'm pretty heavy right now. And I kinda thought that the first 5-10 lbs would go faster because I have so much more to lose. I thought that's how things normally worked?

So this morning, for the first time since I started being more mindful three weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to see if I had made any progress. And I hadn't. Well, it was hard to tell, because the scale was all wonky. The first time I had stepped on the scale, I had gained two pounds, which seems basically impossible for the amount I've been depriving myself. Then I stepped on the scale again - down two pounds. Which would be great! So I stepped on the scale one more time, and it was the same thing I weighed three weeks ago.

Perhaps it is stupid, but I was really upset. I understand and appreciate the need for Non-Scale Victories. But sometimes you just need a Scale Victory, too! Especially since the no Coke has been killing me with these insane headaches I've been having, and the not-very-much-beer thing has been seeming to irritate my husband. I feel like I've been making sacrifices, and while they are all good for me, and not going to waste at all, I just really wanted to see or feel more progress. I was not expecting the world by any means, but I guess I was expecting something.

And now I probably need a new scale. Which bums me out because I'd rather use the same scale for consistency purpose from the start of this journey and throughout. And now that's ruined. Because I obviously cannot trust the one I have now, but it is the one I started with. And if I buy a new one now, how will I ever know the results of these past three weeks?

I am probably more upset about this whole thing than I should be. Just typing it out makes me feel pretty stupid. But I've never proclaimed to not be irrational, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

So some days, being more positive, mindful, and healthful are not easy. Today is one of those days. I am proud of my effort and the strides I've made towards this lifestyle change - even if I didn't see the progress I had hoped.

If you've read down this far, or if I'm reading this later, here's a positive to end on for this blabbering post: yesterday, one of my new office colleagues said to me (not sarcastically), "look at you! The eternal optimist!" and I had to smile to myself, because three months ago, no one could have ever said that about me. So I guess some of these changes are actually working. :)


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April 29, 2015

April 16

another Pinterest find - promise, it's relevant! 
I've been meaning to drop by here for a couple of weeks now... I didn't even realize that I hadn't posted since April 7 - oops! I actually wrote one post, but it was more of a me rambling about something, and I may post part of it sometime in the near future. And on April 16, I started writing a post, but never finished it.

April 16. That's what I am here to talk about. It was quite a surreal day, a wonderful day.

April 15 was a particularly tough day for me. I was still really upset about Ploughshare - I had looked at Craigslist again to see about bartending jobs, and curiosity got the best of me. Sure enough, Ploughshare was still seeking bartenders, and the job was reposted after my interview with them, after I should have heard back from them either way about a job. I was pretty furious. I had lunch with my mom that day, and she said something (again) that bothered me, and I got pretty mouthy with her, and it just brought out even more of my frustrations. The day just kept compounding on me, and my frustrations grew and grew. I was so upset that I had not heard from Economics yet - they had called my references, but I had not heard yet if I got the job or not. But I wanted to remain hopeful.

When Derek got home from work that night, I basically lost it. I expressed all of my frustrations to him, I raised my voice (not at him, but in relation to my frustrations), and I cried. Derek was really supportive, as usual, but then he also told me that I should probably just move on - he guessed that I had not gotten the Economics job, and that if it was holding me back, I should just forget about it and move on. I had found a few jobs with the State of Nebraska that looked good, so I decided I would apply for those the next day.

The next morning, April 16, I woke up with my alarm, but stayed in bed. I just felt so relaxed, and for the first time in a while, my mind felt really calm and clear. I grabbed a book and just read. I eventually got out of bed, had lunch, then read some more. I ended up laying down on the couch and getting snuggled by both cats, and I drifted off to a nice nap. I accidentally napped most of the afternoon. I didn't obsessively check my phone all day for emails, missed calls, texts, social media updates. I just was all day. It was perfect, really - exactly what it felt like to be at peace with myself. Though I meant to apply for those State jobs, I was just so content that I figured I would do it later that night.

Around 4:45, I realized I had spent all day lounging, so I quickly flew around the house and straightened up, did some dishes, made the bed upstairs, etc. I heard my phone ringing downstairs while I was coming down the stairs, and I figured it was Derek telling me he was on his way. I casually went up to my phone and noticed it was a University number, but not one I recognized. Thinking nothing of it, I answered my phone.

It was the College of Business's HR person - I was being offered the job at Economics!

I was so surprised at that point that I hardly knew how to respond to her. Then she told me that they were offering me the position at $1 more than the job description offered, and I about fell off the couch! That's incredible! I went from barely getting my application in on time, to getting an interview, to figuring I had no chance at the job due to my lack of qualifications and kind of acting more carefree than normal in the interview, to having references called, to getting the job offer, to being offered a whole $2,080 more a year than expected! My mind is still completely blown, to be honest.

After quite a journey through getting my background check done (the new system they use took forever), I finally heard back from them last Thursday that my start date would be Friday, May 1, at 8:00am.

I am so excited, but so, so, so nervous! Time to get my shit together! Including my sleeping and waking up schedule, a few new pieces of clothing that are more professional (hey, I'm working in a business college and will be a supervisor - I should look better than 4 year old sweaters with torn up trousers), and figure out a way to feel comfortable with myself and my managerial skills. I'm stepping way out of character and asked my mom to borrow her copy of The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon, because I've heard positive things about how it relates to managing and working as a team.

I think this job will be a great position for me. It will challenge me quite a bit, and I will get the opportunity to work with a different kind of subject-matter than I am already acquainted. I just hope that they have patience with me and that I have room to learn the systems that I will use daily and gt to know the college and department. I mean, I was pretty darn honest with them about my experience (probably too honest and maybe deprecating for an interview), so they know who I am coming into this. I know that I have the ability to learn anything as long as I am given guidance, direction, patience, and time, and maybe even the ability to screw up once.

One more thing about April 16. I was dreading this day since I put my two week's notice in at Longwell's. I'll remind of you what April 16 was... it was my first day at Longwell's last year. It was what I considered to be the beginning of a dream. A dream that I am no longer working towards fulfilling, one that I quit because times were too hard. I was so surprised that I didn't dwell on that day when it finally came, and I in fact did not even realize it was that day until I went to write down the date that I got the Econ job offer. I was just so at peace all day long, that it didn't even register as a day that I was dreading for more than a month.

Funny how things work out, huh?

So here's to another new adventure, to employment, and for people willing to take a chance on me! Here's to hoping I don't screw it up ;)

One and half more days until I start - I cannot even believe it...

Cheers!

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April 7, 2015

Re-Reading

Writing here yesterday turned out to be pretty therapeutic for me, so here I am again.

Unfortunately, today is not one of my good days.

Some days, I am really mentally and emotionally effected by the things that happen at Longwell's that I see on social media. Today is one of those days, for some reason. And it's stupid and convoluted and obnoxious, so I won't go into it. My crazy sometimes is real crazy.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I stayed up doing my nails because I was in a decent mood. Then I wrote in my new little journal experiment - positives for the day and things for which I am grateful. I fell asleep feeling positive and good. I woke up not so much.

I made myself some cheesy egg beater eggs and toast, watched The Odd Couple (which I am still trying so hard to like, but it puts me off for some reason), and something drove me to Facebook. Then it was downhill from there. Then I went on Twitter, and for some reason, everything I read just made me more sad and dark and twisty. I finally just locked my phone and took a nap.

Then, as I was waking up from my nap, but still just resting, I got a text from my boss with K&Z Distributing. He asked if I would be able to do a Lagunitas event at Longwell's tomorrow night. Let's just say that hurt way more than it should have, for a lot of reasons.

Yes, I want - need - to make any kind of money. But really? An event where I used to work? And it was not just any event - it was Pint Night, which is an event I created and implemented, on a night that I used to manage the restaurant. But then I got pushed out of Pint Night, then pushed out of managing, then pushed out of Wednesday nights. It would be - it is - hard enough to just go to Longwell's at this point, but on that day of the week, for that event? I can't. I couldn't.

And I just feel so awful.

I feel like I should be over this by now. I know they don't miss me; why should I miss them? They moved on; why can't I? Why does this place still effect me the way that it does? It pisses me off! It makes me so angry! And it makes me sad, and feel worthless, and feel like a failure.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I was good at getting over things that happen in my life. Days like today make me wish I was not who I am.

Is it so crazy and irrational that I didn't want to do the event tomorrow night? I met with him last Friday, and he asked about doing events this Thursday and Friday, not Wednesday. I feel stupid for not wanting to do the event, but then I also feel like it was stupid that I was even asked. Why would anyone think that I would want to do that? Why should I be put into that situation?

Anyway, I then sat in the dark for the rest of the day, celebrating National Beer Day.. by myself, in the dark, watching the Glee series finale, and maybe crying just a little (it was Glee, I swear...). I didn't get anything done today - not even reading. Which makes me feel awful. God, it's like I'm living in some fucked up catch twenty-two.

I can't wait until I can go to bed for the night and wake up to a new day.

Here's my new phone background. Yes, another random quote I found while browsing Pinterest. No source, sorry. It rings so true for where I'm at today. It's time for me to turn the page; here's to hoping I will be able to in the very near future.



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April 6, 2015

An Interview

found while late night Pinterest browsing..

So I had an interview last Monday.

It was for a job at the University. It's a job that I applied for kind of on a whim. I was qualified (barely), it paid well, it was managerial, it would be a good opportunity. It was also kind of outside of my comfort zone, but only a little (so I thought by the job description - more on that later). I felt bad, though, because I sent in my materials literally less than an hour before the deadline. I honestly figured I had no chance, but that I would feel better if I applied for another job.

Much to my surprise, they called me for an interview on Friday, March 27, for Monday, March 30.

At the very beginning of the interview, the director of the department went over in more detail what the job would actually entail. It was then that I knew there was no way they would hire me, as I was definitely not qualified. I was quite perplexed as to why they even called me in for an interview. Basically, when it came down to it, I would be the business manager and lead accounting person for their entire department. Um, what? 

Quick funny story here - at the end of the director's description of the job, he said that the position would basically need to be the office quarterback, and that he could say that here in Nebraska, because, ya know, Nebraska. There was an odd pause after he said that, and knowing I had no chance at this job, I decided to say...

"So, then I have a question. Are you talking about a quarterback like Taylor Martinez? Or maybe more like Tommy Armstrong? How about Joe Ganz?" 

...to which I received dead-pan stares from everyone on the search committee. OOPS. Apparently they weren't looking forward to a football joke on my end.

The director quickly recovered and gave an answer about being a driven leader with a lot of confidence and respect from fellow teammates, to which I thought to myself "oh, so they are looking for a Tommy Frazier... but I'm gunna let this one go because a) he's actually a douche bag, and b) they are already put off enough.." Instead, I nodded in understanding and mumbled that it made sense and sounded good (or something). Then, bless his little heart, another guy in the interview spoke up and said, "So, we're looking for more of a Tommy Frazier." Haha!

Needless to say, I was much more serious after that...

But there I sat, in an interview - which is already stressful enough on its own - knowing that these people would quickly find out that they wasted their time and my time. I kept catching my mind wandering to why they even decided to interview me, and wondering if I should just stop them before they got too far into the interview.

They even asked me to describe my experience with accounting and the financial side to working in an office. Let's just say, that one was a tough one for me to answer in a positive way, because the answer is basically none.

Throughout the interview, the director kept taking time to stress how much work it would be in accounting and finances, business practices, grants, reimbursements - you name it.

When the interview was finally, mercifully over, I got up, shook their hands, and thanked them for meeting with me. As I walked out the doors of the building, I chuckled to myself and called Derek. I was amused that they even called me in for an interview, but I was also a little miffed that there had been this hope flowing through my body that I would maybe finally get a new job.

Fast forward to Wednesday last week, when I got a phone call from a University number. See, I had also interviewed for a different University job the week before, on Friday, March 27, and I thought that one had gone really well and was hopeful that I'd maybe have a chance at that job. So I was nervous and excited to get a call from a University number.

Alas, no. I was the search committee chair from the department I had interviewed with on Monday. She confirmed with me that they could call my former employers, as I had indicated on my application that they could call, but I wanted to be notified first. I was in utter shock, to be honest. First of all, I had told them in the interview that they could call my former employers, but mostly because at the end of the interview, they indicated that they would only go that far if they were relatively serious about a candidate for the job. Again, um, what?!

I shook it off and went about my day. The director seemed like a by-the-book kind of guy, so maybe they were just doing their due diligence. I was still surprised, because I figured there was absolutely no way they would continue to have any interest in my after that interview.

On Thursday, as I was leaving the house to go pick up a newly released bottle of beer that was in Lincoln for its first time from Scratchtown Brewing (in Ord, Nebraska), I got a text message from the director at my former University job, who I had indicated to be one of my three job references. He told me that the department I had interviewed for on Monday had called for a reference. I could absolutely not believe it!

I called Derek in a panic. Because I had not even been considering that I would get a job offer (no, I don't have a job offer from them, and I still don't really expect that I will get one) from them, and now that there were actual steps being taken that would get me closer to there, I was starting to freak out  a little. Could I actually do this job? Would it be a good decision for me? Are they sure they know what they could be doing?

While texting my mom about it, she said that it was funny, because her and my dad had just been joking that maybe they would want to hire me because the director seemed to want things a very specific, certain way, and that would make me perfect because I would be so trainable due to my lack of experience. I guess I had not thought of it that way, but it does make a little sense I suppose...

I contacted my friend, Elizabeth, who I had worked with at my last University job as well, and told her to let me know if they contacted her. As of yet, they have not. And I had not heard anything from my other reference, Sara, who works for the first place I ever worked on campus, and we still talk and text often. I knew she would tell me once they contacted her.

This whole weekend, I did think it was strange that they would only call one of my references, but thought perhaps that should indicate that they weren't really interested in me for the position.

But then I got a text from my friend Sara this morning, saying she had a voicemail from Friday from that department. Soo, I guess they moved forward with the reference calls.

I have thought about it quite a bit, even though I try to stop myself because I hate to get my hopes up and expect the best, when I know that the worst is likely to happen, but I think I would take the job if they offered it to me.

In the interview, one of the questions about halfway through was, "after hearing more about the job and answering our questions, do you think you would still take the job if offered to you?" The answer that I gave, though true at the time, has really sank in, and now I believe it is my real truth about the job: yes, I would take it. I would take the job because it would be a challenge for me, and I'm looking for that in my life right now. I don't think I want a job that would be easy and be totally in my comfort zone. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to try to go outside my comfort zone. Would it be a hard job, with a lot of expectations and pressure? Absolutely. But I think I need that in my life right now.

So even though I keep trying to tell myself that they will not call, and that I have no chance at this job, I couldn't help but feel butterflies in my stomach when my phone rang about an hour ago. Thinking to myself, holy shit! Is this really happening? Only to look at my phone and realize it was a glass company calling me about a project I had been working on at Longwell's, even though when they called me two weeks ago, I told them that I do not work at Longwell's anymore. Womp womp.

And that's what prompted this post. Now I really can't get the job out of my head. Or the other two jobs that I have interviewed for (Ploughshare (UGH) and the other University one). And I'm trying my hardest to stay strong and not think of myself as a failure. I'm trying to see these as chances I've taken, and no matter the outcome, I would have been kicking myself for not taking the chances in applying for these jobs and interviewing for them. One of these chances I take will turn out positively for me, and I will get a new job, and I will have been glad that I put myself out there.

Hence the picture quote at the beginning of the post. Surprisingly, I've taken to searching quotes on Pinterest, and they have given me more comfort than they ever have before. Definitely not typical Sara, but hey, I'll take what I can get to help me through this interesting time in my life.

That's all I have for today. See ya next time!

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April 5, 2015

Reflections

random photo taken with my Nikon on one of my good days

Just now, I was going to blog. And then I wasn't. But then I was going to start an honest-to-goodness handwritten journal. Then I looked at other blogs that I used to read all the time, only to find that those blogs don't even exist, or are no longer updated. And then my brain kept wandering around in circles, and even though there may end up being no point to this post, I decided to come here anyway.

Blogging is weird.

Life is weird.

I'm having a very rough time with unemployment. I think I've already said that.

I have good days and I have bad days (did I already say that, too?), and unfortunately the bad days outnumber the good.

I made this delightful list of things I wanted to do during my unemployed time. This was a pretty extensive list, including all the things I wanted to deep-clean and organize, getting in shape (duh), eating better, cooking more, reading more, etc. But most days? I'm lucky to get off the couch to do more than eat and go to the restroom. Am I proud of that? Absolutely not. I'm quite ashamed, actually - which, as it turns out, makes getting off the couch even harder. Most of the time I don't even watch anything exciting on TV, and no my DVR isn't empty. I just turn it to USA or something similar and I zone out.

Don't get me wrong. I have done better at cooking and keeping things tidier. I even vacuumed the main floor last week! (There was so much cat hair...) I have probably eaten a little healthier. I've also read a couple of books and purchased a few more to read (but then enters the guilt of spending money I am not making myself).

My sleeping is probably just as bad or maybe worse than it was in my last few weeks at Longwell's. I thought it was bad at my last University job, but it has probably gotten worse. That probably doesn't help motivate me into productivity, though I know my exhaustion isn't the only issue with motivation.

I just feel like a big ol' failure.

I am bad at being employed, I am bad at being employable, and I'm bad at being unemployed.

(I know that's not really accurate, but that's how I end up feeling most days when I'm curled up in a ball on the couch.)

Every night when I finally fall asleep (I'm looking at you, 2:37am on my clock right now), I promise myself that the next day will be better, even if it is doing just one more thing that is productive. I set really low goals and expectations for myself, but I can't even accomplish those. Or I finally get motivated around 4:30pm when Derek is about an hour from being home, and I scurry through a few things just so I don't feel awful when Derek gets home. (He's been a prince, by the way - doesn't ever complain or say anything negative towards me, isn't pressuring me about a job (yet), and is always very comforting - I have no idea how I got so lucky with him!) I just hate being a disappointment, so even though I know he won't say anything, I don't want him to know I didn't do anything all day. It's embarrassing. But I cannot help it.

I hate that I am this way. I hate that I'm being so hard on myself. I hate that I can't get out of my funk. I hate that I don't get things crossed off my to do list. I hate that I can't even summon the energy to do something that I genuinely like doing, like crocheting, reading (more), writing, taking photos, being in the sun, painting my nails.

When does this go away? When will I wake up and feel better? I have all of this time on my hands, and I hate that I am wasting it. I need something positive to come out of this negative.

 But then I think this isn't negative at all, not really.

I could not work for the owner of LW anymore. I was unhappy, and I was getting pushed out of my roles with the restaurant. I was strong and I stood up for myself and got out of a bad situation before it could get any worse. In my heart, I know that I did the right thing. But that does not mean it was an easy thing.

I am so thankful for the time I spent at LW and the friends I made. In fact, two of the girls I worked with during the day have become two of my best friends, and I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through these three weeks without them - even though I don't see them every day anymore.

In fact, we went out on Friday for FAC, and though I was not intoxicated, I kinda lost it and had a breakdown. I thought one of them was mad at me about something I thought she misunderstood that I said about a guy she had been seeing but isn't anymore, and she wouldn't let the conversation go. I told her it was my fault that she misunderstood me, but that I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I didn't want drama. She kept being mad a me, and I finally got up and left the bar we were at, telling Derek I'd meet him at the car.

As I walked away from the bar, it was all I could do to not cry. As I walked to the garage, I was cut off by the other girl, and she talked to me, and she made me feel so much better. Last year, she was unemployed for about three months, so I know she has a unique perspective that other people in my life cannot understand. Right now, I am just very fragile, though I hate it. Her kind words helped me to muster the courage to walk back to the bar and sit with them (I'd been drinking only water for hours, just for the record). She eventually persuaded me to talk with the girl I thought was mad at me. Though I couldn't hardly do it because I felt so stupid and couldn't stop my tears from flowing, I eventually figured out that my friend was not mad at me for the reason I thought - she was mad because she hates how hard I am on myself. She said that she's my friend and loves me, and she hates to see anyone, especially me, be so mean to her friend. I know that she's there for me and would do anything to make me feel better and get through this rough patch - I'm the one with the problem with me, not her.

I could not be more grateful for those two girls, for Derek, and for my mom. I have no idea what I've done in this life to deserve such amazing people in my life, but I could not face my days (even in the state that I do) without them. And my cats. Even though it's hairball season, those little lovebugs have been very cuddly and are my constant companions each day.

I try to tell myself every day that tomorrow will be better, or maybe next week will be better. Maybe typing some of this out will help make tomorrow or next week be my turning point. Maybe a day full of family on Sunday will be the thing that helps me break free. Maybe starting a gratitude journal or a positive thought journal will help me focus on the good instead of sinking into the bad.

Here's to hoping, because until this fog lifts, hope is all I really have at this point.

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