April 7, 2015


Writing here yesterday turned out to be pretty therapeutic for me, so here I am again.

Unfortunately, today is not one of my good days.

Some days, I am really mentally and emotionally effected by the things that happen at Longwell's that I see on social media. Today is one of those days, for some reason. And it's stupid and convoluted and obnoxious, so I won't go into it. My crazy sometimes is real crazy.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I stayed up doing my nails because I was in a decent mood. Then I wrote in my new little journal experiment - positives for the day and things for which I am grateful. I fell asleep feeling positive and good. I woke up not so much.

I made myself some cheesy egg beater eggs and toast, watched The Odd Couple (which I am still trying so hard to like, but it puts me off for some reason), and something drove me to Facebook. Then it was downhill from there. Then I went on Twitter, and for some reason, everything I read just made me more sad and dark and twisty. I finally just locked my phone and took a nap.

Then, as I was waking up from my nap, but still just resting, I got a text from my boss with K&Z Distributing. He asked if I would be able to do a Lagunitas event at Longwell's tomorrow night. Let's just say that hurt way more than it should have, for a lot of reasons.

Yes, I want - need - to make any kind of money. But really? An event where I used to work? And it was not just any event - it was Pint Night, which is an event I created and implemented, on a night that I used to manage the restaurant. But then I got pushed out of Pint Night, then pushed out of managing, then pushed out of Wednesday nights. It would be - it is - hard enough to just go to Longwell's at this point, but on that day of the week, for that event? I can't. I couldn't.

And I just feel so awful.

I feel like I should be over this by now. I know they don't miss me; why should I miss them? They moved on; why can't I? Why does this place still effect me the way that it does? It pisses me off! It makes me so angry! And it makes me sad, and feel worthless, and feel like a failure.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I was good at getting over things that happen in my life. Days like today make me wish I was not who I am.

Is it so crazy and irrational that I didn't want to do the event tomorrow night? I met with him last Friday, and he asked about doing events this Thursday and Friday, not Wednesday. I feel stupid for not wanting to do the event, but then I also feel like it was stupid that I was even asked. Why would anyone think that I would want to do that? Why should I be put into that situation?

Anyway, I then sat in the dark for the rest of the day, celebrating National Beer Day.. by myself, in the dark, watching the Glee series finale, and maybe crying just a little (it was Glee, I swear...). I didn't get anything done today - not even reading. Which makes me feel awful. God, it's like I'm living in some fucked up catch twenty-two.

I can't wait until I can go to bed for the night and wake up to a new day.

Here's my new phone background. Yes, another random quote I found while browsing Pinterest. No source, sorry. It rings so true for where I'm at today. It's time for me to turn the page; here's to hoping I will be able to in the very near future.


April 6, 2015

An Interview

found while late night Pinterest browsing..

So I had an interview last Monday.

It was for a job at the University. It's a job that I applied for kind of on a whim. I was qualified (barely), it paid well, it was managerial, it would be a good opportunity. It was also kind of outside of my comfort zone, but only a little (so I thought by the job description - more on that later). I felt bad, though, because I sent in my materials literally less than an hour before the deadline. I honestly figured I had no chance, but that I would feel better if I applied for another job.

Much to my surprise, they called me for an interview on Friday, March 27, for Monday, March 30.

At the very beginning of the interview, the director of the department went over in more detail what the job would actually entail. It was then that I knew there was no way they would hire me, as I was definitely not qualified. I was quite perplexed as to why they even called me in for an interview. Basically, when it came down to it, I would be the business manager and lead accounting person for their entire department. Um, what? 

Quick funny story here - at the end of the director's description of the job, he said that the position would basically need to be the office quarterback, and that he could say that here in Nebraska, because, ya know, Nebraska. There was an odd pause after he said that, and knowing I had no chance at this job, I decided to say...

"So, then I have a question. Are you talking about a quarterback like Taylor Martinez? Or maybe more like Tommy Armstrong? How about Joe Ganz?" 

...to which I received dead-pan stares from everyone on the search committee. OOPS. Apparently they weren't looking forward to a football joke on my end.

The director quickly recovered and gave an answer about being a driven leader with a lot of confidence and respect from fellow teammates, to which I thought to myself "oh, so they are looking for a Tommy Frazier... but I'm gunna let this one go because a) he's actually a douche bag, and b) they are already put off enough.." Instead, I nodded in understanding and mumbled that it made sense and sounded good (or something). Then, bless his little heart, another guy in the interview spoke up and said, "So, we're looking for more of a Tommy Frazier." Haha!

Needless to say, I was much more serious after that...

But there I sat, in an interview - which is already stressful enough on its own - knowing that these people would quickly find out that they wasted their time and my time. I kept catching my mind wandering to why they even decided to interview me, and wondering if I should just stop them before they got too far into the interview.

They even asked me to describe my experience with accounting and the financial side to working in an office. Let's just say, that one was a tough one for me to answer in a positive way, because the answer is basically none.

Throughout the interview, the director kept taking time to stress how much work it would be in accounting and finances, business practices, grants, reimbursements - you name it.

When the interview was finally, mercifully over, I got up, shook their hands, and thanked them for meeting with me. As I walked out the doors of the building, I chuckled to myself and called Derek. I was amused that they even called me in for an interview, but I was also a little miffed that there had been this hope flowing through my body that I would maybe finally get a new job.

Fast forward to Wednesday last week, when I got a phone call from a University number. See, I had also interviewed for a different University job the week before, on Friday, March 27, and I thought that one had gone really well and was hopeful that I'd maybe have a chance at that job. So I was nervous and excited to get a call from a University number.

Alas, no. I was the search committee chair from the department I had interviewed with on Monday. She confirmed with me that they could call my former employers, as I had indicated on my application that they could call, but I wanted to be notified first. I was in utter shock, to be honest. First of all, I had told them in the interview that they could call my former employers, but mostly because at the end of the interview, they indicated that they would only go that far if they were relatively serious about a candidate for the job. Again, um, what?!

I shook it off and went about my day. The director seemed like a by-the-book kind of guy, so maybe they were just doing their due diligence. I was still surprised, because I figured there was absolutely no way they would continue to have any interest in my after that interview.

On Thursday, as I was leaving the house to go pick up a newly released bottle of beer that was in Lincoln for its first time from Scratchtown Brewing (in Ord, Nebraska), I got a text message from the director at my former University job, who I had indicated to be one of my three job references. He told me that the department I had interviewed for on Monday had called for a reference. I could absolutely not believe it!

I called Derek in a panic. Because I had not even been considering that I would get a job offer (no, I don't have a job offer from them, and I still don't really expect that I will get one) from them, and now that there were actual steps being taken that would get me closer to there, I was starting to freak out  a little. Could I actually do this job? Would it be a good decision for me? Are they sure they know what they could be doing?

While texting my mom about it, she said that it was funny, because her and my dad had just been joking that maybe they would want to hire me because the director seemed to want things a very specific, certain way, and that would make me perfect because I would be so trainable due to my lack of experience. I guess I had not thought of it that way, but it does make a little sense I suppose...

I contacted my friend, Elizabeth, who I had worked with at my last University job as well, and told her to let me know if they contacted her. As of yet, they have not. And I had not heard anything from my other reference, Sara, who works for the first place I ever worked on campus, and we still talk and text often. I knew she would tell me once they contacted her.

This whole weekend, I did think it was strange that they would only call one of my references, but thought perhaps that should indicate that they weren't really interested in me for the position.

But then I got a text from my friend Sara this morning, saying she had a voicemail from Friday from that department. Soo, I guess they moved forward with the reference calls.

I have thought about it quite a bit, even though I try to stop myself because I hate to get my hopes up and expect the best, when I know that the worst is likely to happen, but I think I would take the job if they offered it to me.

In the interview, one of the questions about halfway through was, "after hearing more about the job and answering our questions, do you think you would still take the job if offered to you?" The answer that I gave, though true at the time, has really sank in, and now I believe it is my real truth about the job: yes, I would take it. I would take the job because it would be a challenge for me, and I'm looking for that in my life right now. I don't think I want a job that would be easy and be totally in my comfort zone. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to try to go outside my comfort zone. Would it be a hard job, with a lot of expectations and pressure? Absolutely. But I think I need that in my life right now.

So even though I keep trying to tell myself that they will not call, and that I have no chance at this job, I couldn't help but feel butterflies in my stomach when my phone rang about an hour ago. Thinking to myself, holy shit! Is this really happening? Only to look at my phone and realize it was a glass company calling me about a project I had been working on at Longwell's, even though when they called me two weeks ago, I told them that I do not work at Longwell's anymore. Womp womp.

And that's what prompted this post. Now I really can't get the job out of my head. Or the other two jobs that I have interviewed for (Ploughshare (UGH) and the other University one). And I'm trying my hardest to stay strong and not think of myself as a failure. I'm trying to see these as chances I've taken, and no matter the outcome, I would have been kicking myself for not taking the chances in applying for these jobs and interviewing for them. One of these chances I take will turn out positively for me, and I will get a new job, and I will have been glad that I put myself out there.

Hence the picture quote at the beginning of the post. Surprisingly, I've taken to searching quotes on Pinterest, and they have given me more comfort than they ever have before. Definitely not typical Sara, but hey, I'll take what I can get to help me through this interesting time in my life.

That's all I have for today. See ya next time!


April 5, 2015


random photo taken with my Nikon on one of my good days

Just now, I was going to blog. And then I wasn't. But then I was going to start an honest-to-goodness handwritten journal. Then I looked at other blogs that I used to read all the time, only to find that those blogs don't even exist, or are no longer updated. And then my brain kept wandering around in circles, and even though there may end up being no point to this post, I decided to come here anyway.

Blogging is weird.

Life is weird.

I'm having a very rough time with unemployment. I think I've already said that.

I have good days and I have bad days (did I already say that, too?), and unfortunately the bad days outnumber the good.

I made this delightful list of things I wanted to do during my unemployed time. This was a pretty extensive list, including all the things I wanted to deep-clean and organize, getting in shape (duh), eating better, cooking more, reading more, etc. But most days? I'm lucky to get off the couch to do more than eat and go to the restroom. Am I proud of that? Absolutely not. I'm quite ashamed, actually - which, as it turns out, makes getting off the couch even harder. Most of the time I don't even watch anything exciting on TV, and no my DVR isn't empty. I just turn it to USA or something similar and I zone out.

Don't get me wrong. I have done better at cooking and keeping things tidier. I even vacuumed the main floor last week! (There was so much cat hair...) I have probably eaten a little healthier. I've also read a couple of books and purchased a few more to read (but then enters the guilt of spending money I am not making myself).

My sleeping is probably just as bad or maybe worse than it was in my last few weeks at Longwell's. I thought it was bad at my last University job, but it has probably gotten worse. That probably doesn't help motivate me into productivity, though I know my exhaustion isn't the only issue with motivation.

I just feel like a big ol' failure.

I am bad at being employed, I am bad at being employable, and I'm bad at being unemployed.

(I know that's not really accurate, but that's how I end up feeling most days when I'm curled up in a ball on the couch.)

Every night when I finally fall asleep (I'm looking at you, 2:37am on my clock right now), I promise myself that the next day will be better, even if it is doing just one more thing that is productive. I set really low goals and expectations for myself, but I can't even accomplish those. Or I finally get motivated around 4:30pm when Derek is about an hour from being home, and I scurry through a few things just so I don't feel awful when Derek gets home. (He's been a prince, by the way - doesn't ever complain or say anything negative towards me, isn't pressuring me about a job (yet), and is always very comforting - I have no idea how I got so lucky with him!) I just hate being a disappointment, so even though I know he won't say anything, I don't want him to know I didn't do anything all day. It's embarrassing. But I cannot help it.

I hate that I am this way. I hate that I'm being so hard on myself. I hate that I can't get out of my funk. I hate that I don't get things crossed off my to do list. I hate that I can't even summon the energy to do something that I genuinely like doing, like crocheting, reading (more), writing, taking photos, being in the sun, painting my nails.

When does this go away? When will I wake up and feel better? I have all of this time on my hands, and I hate that I am wasting it. I need something positive to come out of this negative.

 But then I think this isn't negative at all, not really.

I could not work for the owner of LW anymore. I was unhappy, and I was getting pushed out of my roles with the restaurant. I was strong and I stood up for myself and got out of a bad situation before it could get any worse. In my heart, I know that I did the right thing. But that does not mean it was an easy thing.

I am so thankful for the time I spent at LW and the friends I made. In fact, two of the girls I worked with during the day have become two of my best friends, and I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through these three weeks without them - even though I don't see them every day anymore.

In fact, we went out on Friday for FAC, and though I was not intoxicated, I kinda lost it and had a breakdown. I thought one of them was mad at me about something I thought she misunderstood that I said about a guy she had been seeing but isn't anymore, and she wouldn't let the conversation go. I told her it was my fault that she misunderstood me, but that I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I didn't want drama. She kept being mad a me, and I finally got up and left the bar we were at, telling Derek I'd meet him at the car.

As I walked away from the bar, it was all I could do to not cry. As I walked to the garage, I was cut off by the other girl, and she talked to me, and she made me feel so much better. Last year, she was unemployed for about three months, so I know she has a unique perspective that other people in my life cannot understand. Right now, I am just very fragile, though I hate it. Her kind words helped me to muster the courage to walk back to the bar and sit with them (I'd been drinking only water for hours, just for the record). She eventually persuaded me to talk with the girl I thought was mad at me. Though I couldn't hardly do it because I felt so stupid and couldn't stop my tears from flowing, I eventually figured out that my friend was not mad at me for the reason I thought - she was mad because she hates how hard I am on myself. She said that she's my friend and loves me, and she hates to see anyone, especially me, be so mean to her friend. I know that she's there for me and would do anything to make me feel better and get through this rough patch - I'm the one with the problem with me, not her.

I could not be more grateful for those two girls, for Derek, and for my mom. I have no idea what I've done in this life to deserve such amazing people in my life, but I could not face my days (even in the state that I do) without them. And my cats. Even though it's hairball season, those little lovebugs have been very cuddly and are my constant companions each day.

I try to tell myself every day that tomorrow will be better, or maybe next week will be better. Maybe typing some of this out will help make tomorrow or next week be my turning point. Maybe a day full of family on Sunday will be the thing that helps me break free. Maybe starting a gratitude journal or a positive thought journal will help me focus on the good instead of sinking into the bad.

Here's to hoping, because until this fog lifts, hope is all I really have at this point.


March 31, 2015

Just a Quickie

This has been my life lately...
Man, it has been a while again.

You'd think I'd be able to find the time in my unemployment to visit here more often and fill these blank blogger pages with all kinds of anecdotes. Alas, no.

Well, let me explain: it's not that I don't have the time, because time is all I got here lately - I just haven't had the energy.

That's right. Unemployment, and how I got here, has hit me way harder than I anticipated, and I've been sitting around the house like a Gloomy Gladys ever since.

Sure, I've cooked a lot more, and I've actually done dishes and laundry in a timely manner, but that's honestly about it. I have all of these grand unemployment cleaning plans, but none that have come to fruition.

I have had a few good days, or better days I should say, but they are few and far between it seems. Today is one of those better days. Hence why I'm here right now. I had a few minutes to spare, so I thought I'd bang my head and my fingers on this laptop keyboard.

I'm actually doing something today! Huzzah! I had lunch with my mom a bit ago, which is always one of my favorite parts to each week, and here in a bit I am going to hang out with my sister-in-law and nephew. Luke has an early ending day today for teacher stuff, so we are going to go watch the movie "Home" - it's also the $5 movie day, so that's exciting! I haven't seen a movie in theatres since we saw "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug" in December 2013 while on vacation with my parents in Laughlin, Nevada. YIKES. Plus, I love Jim Parsons, so this could be a fun & cute movie to see.

I really, really want to make sure to try to blog more. This is an interesting time in my life (one I hope to not repeat again..), and I'd like to try to remember this journey I'm on in the future. So here's to hoping I can muster the energy and mental strength to write here more often. I feel awfully alone all day, so it would be a good escape to dive back into blog world, even if it is so much more different than when I started blogging. Hashtag Old Lady, haha!

Other than just being a ball of loneliness and sadness, I've managed to have two interviews (other than Ploughshare, which, IMAGINE THIS, never got back to me..), both of which were at the University, one of which I would really like and the other I have no idea why they even brought me in for an interview because I am in no way qualified. So it goes, I guess.

I gotta jet out of here so I can make it to my SIL's on time..

See you soon, little bloggy!


March 8, 2015

Life Update: Job and a Car Accident

Fair warning, there's about a 99% chance this post gets a little unorganized, off-track, and a little nutty. Welcome to where my brain is at this very moment.

I don't even know where to start. Hence why this is going to be all over the place. You've been warned.

It has been a rough, interesting, and I guess I'd even have to go with life-changing past couple of weeks.

I think I've alluded to the fact that my job at Longwell's hasn't been what I anticipated nor has it been going well lately. I'm not sure I'll go into here now, but the main things are these: I'm not making any money, I'm not getting bartending shifts anymore, and my job duties are slowing being taken away from me. It feels like I'm being pushed out. It has been really screwing with my brain, and I keep messing up, being forgetful, panicking, and feeling my anxiety take over. It has not been a good few weeks. And the writing has been on the wall.

So, last Sunday, I quit.

And no, I do not have another job lined up.

(Technically I still have my job with the distribution company, but that work is so sporadic that it is hard to count that as a reliable job.)

I just had enough. And so did Derek.

I've been thinking about putting in my two week's notice for a while. I've applied for four jobs (no, not enough, I know). I've even had one interview (I'll eventually get to that). Last Sunday, though, I was just so fed up, and tired of putting off the inevitable decision of no longer working at Longwell's.

No, it was not easy. At least mentally and emotionally. I cannot stress enough that I really do love Longwell's. Yes, it makes me crazy most of the time, but I have such a passion for that place. I want so badly for it to be successful and to be successful there myself. But it has not worked out for me. And that makes me feel pretty terrible.

I've cried. I've reconsidered. I've panicked. I've felt more down on myself than I have in a very long time.

But deep down, I know it is right for me to move on from Longwell's. I will miss it, and I will miss the majority of the people there. Thankfully, I hope I've made some good friends there these past few months, and I hope to keep them around for a while. (We'll see - I'm pretty bad at friends..)

It has been mere hours short of a week since I made the call to the owner (my boss) and the general manager. I cannot believe I actually did it, and all day today has been really rough for me.

I cannot believe that I quit a job without another job lined up.

I cannot believe that I actually quit in general. Let's be honest - I knew about 3.5 years before I quit my job at the University that I needed to move on - but I didn't.

It's funny (not ha ha funny..) though - it turns out that my boss was the male (and incredibly rich) version of my boss at the University. The moment I realized that about three weeks ago, I knew it was time for me to go - I could not put myself through that type of personal hell for as long as I did at the other job.

Did I really make the right decision? Only time will tell. Half of me passionately believes it was the right time and the right decision, but the other half of me passionately believes that I have lost my damn mind and will forever regret my choice. Hence why this post is flip-floppy and I probably will be a little off-kilter for a while.

Moving on from my hugely maddening decision and new life circumstance..

On February 17th, I got into a car accident. It was sort of a freak accident, I think. It was around 10:20am, and it had been snowing these large fluffy snowflakes that made me pause to admire their beauty - but it wasn't supposed to be snowing according to the forecast. The snow was really thick, but wiped right off my car. So I hopped into my little old car and made my way towards work.

A few minutes into my journey, I was decelerating and merging into the left-most lane. That's when my car started to slide. Of course I've driven in Nebraska winter's before, so I've had my fair share of sliding experiences. I attempted to correct, but I must have hit a bad patch of ice and my car went into a 360 degree spin. Seeing some parked cars up ahead, and never having done a 360 slide, I panicked and tapped my brake just ever so slightly. Then my car somehow went careening around so my car was facing south (I had originally been driving north), but my car was propelling (somehow) north.

And then BAM! I hit a tree. It's like I rear-ended the tree, but I was in drive. Yeah, I still can't wrap my head around it. Anyways, then my car bounced off the tree and propelled about 20 feet south. I narrowly missed hitting a light pole head on.
My attempt at drawing - obviously not to scale - my accident..

When I finally was slowed down enough, I drove my car onto the grassy area next to the street so I would be out of the way from others.

It took me a few moments to gather myself. I shakily took out my phone from my purse and called Derek. I managed to get out of my car after a few more minutes - I was just really scared about what I would see. The impact on the tree was so much that it knocked my keys straight out of the car's ignition and the inside part of my sun roof sprang open. In my mind, my back end was going to be smashed in completely.

To my surprise: no visible damage. It felt like I was dreaming - how could there be no damage?! Did I not really hit the tree? Did I imagine the whole thing? Obviously, no, but it was so bizarre. I walked around my car a few times in disbelief, talking on the phone with Derek. For some reason, I decided to try opening my trunk. Derek kept goading me to call the non-emergency police and report the accident, but I was in shock and didn't want to deal with it. So I think, in my mind, if there was no damage to my car and no damage to the tree (the tree was fine, btw), then I didn't need to call. I think that's why I tried to open my trunk.

My trunk opened just fine. But then it wouldn't shut. That's when I realized that my frame was totally screwed. Great.

The damage. Doesn't look that bad.....

Anyway, I called the non-emergency police number, and they said I didn't need to report anything since I was not hurt, the tree was okay, and my car was still drivable. So I got back into my poor car and drove her home.

Derek met me at home so he could drive me to work. I was pretty shaken, but felt mostly okay. My neck kind of hurt, but I wasn't concerned. Like I said - I was in shock.

I got to work and as the day progressed, my back started hurting in ways it has never hurt, as did my neck and upper arms. By the end of the day, I could hardly move.

The next morning was hell. I had slept very poorly. Every time I had moved in my sleep, I woke up with crazy pain and the inability to life up my own head because my neck hurt so bad. Needless to say, I went to the doctor as soon as they could get me an appointment.

Seven X-Rays and a prescription for hydrocodone later, I was at home again. My mom came over to check on me, and my pain never really subsided too much, but I did feel a little drunk and loopy. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and a little nauseous. The more pills I took (only 1 every 4 hours, as directed), the worse my symptoms were - more nausea, more dizzy, and I even got so itchy that I thought I was going to scratch my skin off. Finally, around midnight, I puked. Enough was enough of the hydrocodone.

So back to the doctor I went the next day. This time my mom took me. I remembered that I forgot to tell my doctor when I saw him the day before about my excruciating headaches. So he took the headaches, plus the nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, and vomiting as a sign I could have a concussion.

Time for a non-contrast CT scan and a new prescription. And a fight with my CT scan person about taking my earrings out. (I have my tragus and rook pierced on my left ear, neither of which are easily removed. She offered to get pliers. I did not take her up on it..)

My prescription for acetaminophen with codeine doesn't make me sick, but it only works a little bit. So that's what I've been taking when necessary, though I am very nervous to take narcotic pain medicine, so I try not to take it.

It has been almost three weeks since my accident, and I still have quite a bit of back pain. My neck occasionally hurts, but not near as often or as bad as my back. My X-Rays and CT scan all came back clean. My back pain is incredibly frustrating. When I'm at home, I stay very close to my heating pad at all times. I don't know. I sure don't feel alright.

We finally found out that my poor baby car was totaled. I was devastated. I cried a few times. (Yeah, I'm a loser, okay?!) It's just that I've had that car, a 2000 Saturn SL1, since I graduated high school in 2004 (yikes). That's nearly ELEVEN years! She didn't even have 100,000 miles on her yet! She was always so reliable! She survived a deer crashing into her on the interstate! She's been my ride or die bitch through so much! And it just killed me that you could hardly tell that there was any damage to the car, so it didn't feel like she should have to be totaled.

Sad Clown Sara - selfie in my car before they towed her away for good

On Friday, February 27 (10 days after the accident), we got our new car. Okay, I won't lie, I'm in love with it! It's a 2013 Ford Fusion, and the color is Bordeaux - how fancy! We're really enjoying the new car so far, especially me because it has heated seats! Yes, I'm still sad about the old girl, but I'm doing my best to move on.

Which, I guess, is what I need to do about Longwell's - just move on. Emotionally.

Anyways, this post got real long, made more sense than I anticipated, and now I've officially screwed myself over for my last shift working at Longwell's. Oops.

Oh yeah - today, Sunday, is my last scheduled shift. Of course, it's serving. And of course, it's for a busy men's basketball game. Ugh.

(I am still doing some of the other job duties next week to transition out, but today is the last scheduled shift.)

Welp - gotta go. This was actually a little therapeutic. Excellent!

Oh - here's the new car. Ain't she a beaut?!

Not the best picture.. or parking job. New gal is a LOT bigger than my other car, so I'm still getting used to parking it.