June 24, 2015

Currently v2.0

Oh, hi there!

(It would probably horrify you if you knew how long I had been working on this post, until I finally sat down and said GET IT DONE, SARA to myself...)

It's been a long hot mess of a while since I've updated about my life on this little page o' mine. I really do always think about blogging and keeping a fun little record of my life, but then life happens, and then time just soars away. So yeah, here's me, currently...

Well, today - naked nails. I'm painting them tonight, though! Lately, I've been taking it easy on the crazy nails with the new job and all, but I have started easing myself back into nail art. I've started going for some more bold colors (cobalt blue, neon). So far no one has said anything about my nails at all - good or bad - so I guess I'm free to do whatever! Well, except for one of the professors - she complimented my naked nails yesterday, saying how pretty, healthy, and nice they look! It's funny - they are naked right now because my cuticles are just awful!

Here are the only nails I've really "done" for a while. Top left was my first nail art at work, bottom left was wedding nails for my friend Jessica's wedding (so appropriate, right?! haha!), and the two on the right were my "craziest" nails so far!

More Netflix than anything else, haha! I finally have Derek roped into watching Parks & Rec, which I love! I watched on my own up to season four, but then Derek wanted to watch, so I started over with him. It's been killing me to not pick up where I was, but I'm enjoying watching the other seasons again!

I am also one episode away from finishing SKINS (UK version - duh). I used to watch this show way back when, and I loved it! But then BBC America stopped showing it, so I never finished watching the series. While I was unemployed, I started the series over, and I loved it just as much as the first time!

Also, So You Think You Can Dance started again on June 1! I still absolutely adore this show! I'm intrigued to see how the changes they made to the format this year will change the show. So far, I like that more "street" dancers are getting featured and moving forward - those are my favorite styles of dance!

I also now record @midnight daily, because I love that show, but it makes me laugh so much that I get too much energy to go to bed, ha! So I like to record it and watch it later. Such a funny show!

My sister-in-law got me hooked on a couple of "new adult" (not young adult, but not quite "grown up" either) series - damn her! haha! I only say that because I was so hooked that I couldn't put the books down, so ended up staying up until 3am and 4am on work nights. OOPS. I am finally all caught up on both series, so I can sleep again ;) (yeah right - I still don't sleep)

BUT! The most exciting thing I'm about to read... I was sent a free copy of The Beer Wench's book to review for American Craft Beer! I cannot wait to read it! I'm so freakin' excited! It's called The Beer Wench's Guide to Beer: An Unpretentious Guide - I want to be just like Ashley when I grow up, so I can't wait to actually get to read her book! Now I just have to figure out how to do a book review... ha!

This is one thing I do not like about my new job - it is SO quiet in the office! And apparently we can't listen to music as a group or anything, even though my deductions tell me that the three of our tastes are not too far off from each other. I can listen to my ear buds, but then I miss things going on in the office, plus I feel like "that person" who doesn't want to be a part of the group or something. It makes me crazy at least once a day, though usually more frequently than that. Sometimes I do just say "eff it" and plop in my ear buds...

My current favorite songs are "Electric Love" by B├śRNS, "Shut Up & Dance" by Walk The Moon, "Ex's & Oh's" by Elle King, "Tear In My Heart" by Twenty One Pilots, and "My Type" by Saint Motel. A nice alternative variety, if I do say so myself!

My new favorite thing is overnight oats! Even Derek likes them! They are easy to make, delicious, really filling, have a ton of protein, and are just overall really healthful. I'm in love! My favorite so far is: 1/2 cup oats, 1/2 cup vanilla cashew milk, 1 tablespood vanilla protein powder, and diced peaches. I put them in the fridge overnight and then microwave them for a bit in the morning - then, voila! Yummy and healthy breakfast!

I've also been trying to make my lunches ahead of time - food prep Sundays! Plus we are trying to eat at home more, so I've been making a lot of dinner and a lot of messes in the kitchen - haha!

ALL THE FEELS! Mostly overwhelmed a lot of the time. I have so many job duties and roles, that I am basically learning some new thing that I am responsible for. I am busy all of the time, too. I like my staff, but they can sometimes get frustrating for a few reasons. This new "positive leaf" I'm trying to turn over has served me pretty well, but I don't have the time right now to really work towards creating a more positive office environment and working out the negativity from my group. That frustrates me, too. I am also stressed a lot because it just takes me so long to figure out some of the budget and accounting things that I do. Thank goodness that Derek is only a few clicks on the keyboard away from me and incredibly knowledgeable about the University policies and their accounting system.

I have also been feeling frustrated and stressed about my healthful lifestyle goals/changes. That scale thing I blogged about a few weeks back really bugged me. Since I got the new scale and actually used it, I've lost 5 pounds! No, that isn't much at all, but considering 1.2lbs of those came in a week that I drank more than I want to and was on vacation! So I guess I'm seeing progress, I just had hoped it would be more by this point. Oh well - one day at a time!

Tri-cations! Last weekend, I went to Blue Springs, Missouri, for a triathlon (Luke got 2nd!). This weekend Derek and I are going to Mankato, Minnesota, for another triathlon, and stopping at a few breweries on the way there and back! Then we are also going to most likely go to Luke's triathlon in Chicago on August 29! I cannot wait for that! I wish it wasn't at the beginning of the school year, because I would love to stay there for a few days. Alas, I've been told my position is pretty busy around the start of the school year. Nuts!

Luke's photo finish in Blue Springs, MO!

We also just decided that Derek and I will be going to Colorado for a week-long beercation in October! It has been since May 2014 since we have been to Colorado, and my heart and soul miss her deeply! So exciting!

On a different note, I'm planning to chop my hair off again tomorrow! I hate this "in between" length it is at right now, plus my last cut is not growing out the cutest. I also did want it shorter back when I cut it in January, but she was too nervous since I had such long hair. So I think I am going for it this time! Don't worry - I haven't told many people, though, just in case I change my mind ;)

This morning. Gross. Haha! (cute face, I know)

Lots of thing, I suppose. Mostly being employed again! haha! Plus paid vacation and sick leave, which I earn more of now than when I was at the University before. Hooray!

Holographic nail polish. Cannot get enough of it!

Teal and aqua. Probably my favorite colors, but I am slowly surrounding my office area with teal and aqua accessories, and I just adore it!

My job. Yeah, it's not easy, nor is it really in my "wheelhouse" so to speak, but I am really enjoying it so far!

Gose. Or Gueze, if you're fancy. That's my newest beer obsession! Don't worry, I'm still on the tequila barrels, but I am also loving the gose style, even though it is not really prevalent in the US right now. The ones I have found have all been delightful! Now, of course, I'm on the hunt for more :D

Water. That's about all I drink anymore. In two days, I will have been Coca-Cola-free for TWO WHOLE MONTHS! This is no small feat, people! I do drink beer occasionally still (duh), and a cup of coffee in the morning, but that's about it. I do definitely feel better sans soda pop, but sometimes my crazy headaches miss the soothing effect of Coke!

I hate to be that person, but I think about work a lot. I've been dreaming about it (anxiety dreams, of course) a lot since I started, which sucks, but it is better than being in my dark rut that I was in during unemployment.

I am also thinking about my nails a lot. This is probably weird. They are growing so fast lately. And I'm so tired of filing them so much, haha! I may just let them grow out a bit more (as I sit here barely being able to type..). My cuticles are also a disaster. I am worried that I am just one of those people who cannot have beautiful and healthy cuticles. Because whenever I try to baby them, they just seem to get worse, and then take forever to heal.

Lots of things! Mostly that I had my own office at work again. I am way too easily distracted by what my staff is doing and by what is happening in the hallway outside of our office. I also just generally hate my desk space - it's so awkward! plus I have a standing desk thing that doesn't really work all that well, and just makes me sit far away from my desk with my keyboard at a weird angle.

slowly in the process of decluttering & organizing this crazy desk!

I am also (stupidly, and always) wishing that my extra and unhealthy weight would just disappear, and I could start fresh. I promise I would keep myself healthy this time! I really want to just start running (still), but I feel like I should be in a little better shape before I just dive in - I don't want to hurt myself.

I wish I wasn't so busy these past two weeks in the evenings. My time lately just flies by, whether I am at home or at work, so when I even have one activity or errand in the evening, it feels like I don't have any time to do things that I want to do, like go on the treadmill, read more, get caught up on my full DVR, cook, blog more, write - you name it!

Okay, so it's obviously been forever, so I could go on (in all of these little categories), but I need to get back to it. I took a late lunch that was interrupted because I'm sitting at my desk, but it's time to get back to work! We have a 5:01 club this afternoon, so I can't wait for that!

Hopefully I'll get here again sooner rather than later! If not, I might be on Twitter, and at least lurking around on Instagram and Untappd!



May 20, 2015

Struggling + Change

*** I wrote this post yesterday during the day, but I never got around to posting it. But I would really like to post it, as it was my yesterday and is my life right now, though I am feeling not so yucky today (thankfully) *** 

I should do a "new job update" post, and I hope for my own sake that I will.

But today I am down in the dumps. And though I am not alone, I am feeling lonely. Lonely in my own little struggles, goals, attempts at change - everything. So I thought I'd see if writing helped.

I am currently in the throes of trying to make some life changes. One of those things that I think has honestly kept me away from this space on the Internet is attempting to write in a daily gratitude journal. I find it difficult to write positive and grateful things every day and to fill a whole page, so I often will write a bit about my day or mood, or even what is stressing me out. Then I will be grateful and positive - or at least try. Writing there daily (or mostly daily) has kind of made it feel redundant to come here and write. But then I had a yucky morning and had to come to work, so my outlet is here, on a lunch break. So cheers to that, I guess.

Another one of my life changes I am attempting to make is one that has been a constant struggle for me for so many years. It will come as no surprise that I'm trying to make changes to my weight, my fitness, and my health in general. And that's where my struggle and yucky morning came from. But here are some more details..

I have a dorky little calendar and little sparkly rainbow star stickers to help keep me on track. My goals, which each get a color-coordinated sticker, are: No Soda (mostly Coca Cola, because I am sadly addicted), No Alcohol (I'm trying to cut back - so I get a reward if I have a night with no alcohol - but I'm not trying to cut it out entirely or anything), Drink 64oz of Water (because this is a struggle), Walk (treadmill or outside - anything that is more walking than normal), Run (because I want so badly to be a runner, and now I have a 5k goal for next summer, so I have to now!), Follow Daily Food Plan (I'm a nerd - I have a worksheet to fill out with breakfast, lunch, and dinner ideas each day), and Go to Bed by Midnight (obviously a huge struggle for me, and a huge hindrance to a healthy life).

So nothing crazy. Just all good goals to live a healthier life.

I started my little calendar at the beginning of May, though I had already started attempting to make some of those changes before then. May 1 was also my first day at my new job. It was important to me to have my goals in place before I started my job, with the wholehearted understanding that I did not expect to meet all of them every day, especially when I was first getting started.

I've actually been doing surprisingly well, especially with a few of my goals. I am Coca Cola free since April 26! In fact, the only soda I've had since April 26 was an accidental vodka and Sprite on Cinco de Mayo - I didn't even realize I was ordering something with pop in it until I started drinking it. Oops! But to say my Coke-free life is huge would actually be an understatement, sadly. When I was working at Longwell's, I basically mainlined the stuff - it was free for me as an employee, and I sat there all day long. It also really helps with my headaches, which have been brutal since I stopped drinking Coke, and that's probably when I miss it the most.

In the past 19 days of my goal tracking, I've done a really good job of no alcohol, too. I've had alcohol less than half of the days, and considering Derek's birthday, Lincoln Beer Week, and starting a stressful (in a good way) new job have all taken place in those last 19 days, I could not be more impressed with myself! I think this one is hard on Derek. But we'll get through it! Also, I should say, "no alcohol" means I can have a sip of a great beer Derek is drinking and be alright, but beyond two drinks is considered a no-sticker-day in my book!

The water goal has gone well, too, especially since I bought myself a new Camelbak and can keep track of my water intake easily. Some days I think I drink too much water, and feel like I could just roll around from place to place.

Running is not happening yet at all, which is okay, because that is more of a long-term goal than anything right now. I have not been walking, though I did start yesterday again, and have planned to do it more often this week. I knew that I would want to relax, worry about my breakfast & lunch food prep, and making dinner consistently, and those were more important at this point than exercise. Maybe dumb, but it was my thought process.

The Daily Food Plan has been so-so. Last week was so weird in the evenings that my plan was no plan. Not the best plan, but we had events to go to most of the nights last week, so there was no point in planning too much. This week has been alright so far - stuck to my list 100%!

And do I even need to talk about the Go to Bed by Midnight one? Yeah, probably not. I try. And I do go to bed before 2am usually, and it ends up being closer to 1am, but I am still struggling with this. And besides - I'm not that much better on six hours of sleep than five, or even eight for that matter, so it's hard for my brain to make itself go sleep. Dumb, I know.

Here's the thing, though. Even if I haven't been perfect at meeting my goals, I have made a lot of improvements to my habits, I have been eating better and drinking less bad things and more good things. Shouldn't that matter, even if I'm not running five miles a day?

Maybe it's dumb, but I'm pretty heavy right now. And I kinda thought that the first 5-10 lbs would go faster because I have so much more to lose. I thought that's how things normally worked?

So this morning, for the first time since I started being more mindful three weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to see if I had made any progress. And I hadn't. Well, it was hard to tell, because the scale was all wonky. The first time I had stepped on the scale, I had gained two pounds, which seems basically impossible for the amount I've been depriving myself. Then I stepped on the scale again - down two pounds. Which would be great! So I stepped on the scale one more time, and it was the same thing I weighed three weeks ago.

Perhaps it is stupid, but I was really upset. I understand and appreciate the need for Non-Scale Victories. But sometimes you just need a Scale Victory, too! Especially since the no Coke has been killing me with these insane headaches I've been having, and the not-very-much-beer thing has been seeming to irritate my husband. I feel like I've been making sacrifices, and while they are all good for me, and not going to waste at all, I just really wanted to see or feel more progress. I was not expecting the world by any means, but I guess I was expecting something.

And now I probably need a new scale. Which bums me out because I'd rather use the same scale for consistency purpose from the start of this journey and throughout. And now that's ruined. Because I obviously cannot trust the one I have now, but it is the one I started with. And if I buy a new one now, how will I ever know the results of these past three weeks?

I am probably more upset about this whole thing than I should be. Just typing it out makes me feel pretty stupid. But I've never proclaimed to not be irrational, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

So some days, being more positive, mindful, and healthful are not easy. Today is one of those days. I am proud of my effort and the strides I've made towards this lifestyle change - even if I didn't see the progress I had hoped.

If you've read down this far, or if I'm reading this later, here's a positive to end on for this blabbering post: yesterday, one of my new office colleagues said to me (not sarcastically), "look at you! The eternal optimist!" and I had to smile to myself, because three months ago, no one could have ever said that about me. So I guess some of these changes are actually working. :)


April 29, 2015

April 16

another Pinterest find - promise, it's relevant! 
I've been meaning to drop by here for a couple of weeks now... I didn't even realize that I hadn't posted since April 7 - oops! I actually wrote one post, but it was more of a me rambling about something, and I may post part of it sometime in the near future. And on April 16, I started writing a post, but never finished it.

April 16. That's what I am here to talk about. It was quite a surreal day, a wonderful day.

April 15 was a particularly tough day for me. I was still really upset about Ploughshare - I had looked at Craigslist again to see about bartending jobs, and curiosity got the best of me. Sure enough, Ploughshare was still seeking bartenders, and the job was reposted after my interview with them, after I should have heard back from them either way about a job. I was pretty furious. I had lunch with my mom that day, and she said something (again) that bothered me, and I got pretty mouthy with her, and it just brought out even more of my frustrations. The day just kept compounding on me, and my frustrations grew and grew. I was so upset that I had not heard from Economics yet - they had called my references, but I had not heard yet if I got the job or not. But I wanted to remain hopeful.

When Derek got home from work that night, I basically lost it. I expressed all of my frustrations to him, I raised my voice (not at him, but in relation to my frustrations), and I cried. Derek was really supportive, as usual, but then he also told me that I should probably just move on - he guessed that I had not gotten the Economics job, and that if it was holding me back, I should just forget about it and move on. I had found a few jobs with the State of Nebraska that looked good, so I decided I would apply for those the next day.

The next morning, April 16, I woke up with my alarm, but stayed in bed. I just felt so relaxed, and for the first time in a while, my mind felt really calm and clear. I grabbed a book and just read. I eventually got out of bed, had lunch, then read some more. I ended up laying down on the couch and getting snuggled by both cats, and I drifted off to a nice nap. I accidentally napped most of the afternoon. I didn't obsessively check my phone all day for emails, missed calls, texts, social media updates. I just was all day. It was perfect, really - exactly what it felt like to be at peace with myself. Though I meant to apply for those State jobs, I was just so content that I figured I would do it later that night.

Around 4:45, I realized I had spent all day lounging, so I quickly flew around the house and straightened up, did some dishes, made the bed upstairs, etc. I heard my phone ringing downstairs while I was coming down the stairs, and I figured it was Derek telling me he was on his way. I casually went up to my phone and noticed it was a University number, but not one I recognized. Thinking nothing of it, I answered my phone.

It was the College of Business's HR person - I was being offered the job at Economics!

I was so surprised at that point that I hardly knew how to respond to her. Then she told me that they were offering me the position at $1 more than the job description offered, and I about fell off the couch! That's incredible! I went from barely getting my application in on time, to getting an interview, to figuring I had no chance at the job due to my lack of qualifications and kind of acting more carefree than normal in the interview, to having references called, to getting the job offer, to being offered a whole $2,080 more a year than expected! My mind is still completely blown, to be honest.

After quite a journey through getting my background check done (the new system they use took forever), I finally heard back from them last Thursday that my start date would be Friday, May 1, at 8:00am.

I am so excited, but so, so, so nervous! Time to get my shit together! Including my sleeping and waking up schedule, a few new pieces of clothing that are more professional (hey, I'm working in a business college and will be a supervisor - I should look better than 4 year old sweaters with torn up trousers), and figure out a way to feel comfortable with myself and my managerial skills. I'm stepping way out of character and asked my mom to borrow her copy of The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon, because I've heard positive things about how it relates to managing and working as a team.

I think this job will be a great position for me. It will challenge me quite a bit, and I will get the opportunity to work with a different kind of subject-matter than I am already acquainted. I just hope that they have patience with me and that I have room to learn the systems that I will use daily and gt to know the college and department. I mean, I was pretty darn honest with them about my experience (probably too honest and maybe deprecating for an interview), so they know who I am coming into this. I know that I have the ability to learn anything as long as I am given guidance, direction, patience, and time, and maybe even the ability to screw up once.

One more thing about April 16. I was dreading this day since I put my two week's notice in at Longwell's. I'll remind of you what April 16 was... it was my first day at Longwell's last year. It was what I considered to be the beginning of a dream. A dream that I am no longer working towards fulfilling, one that I quit because times were too hard. I was so surprised that I didn't dwell on that day when it finally came, and I in fact did not even realize it was that day until I went to write down the date that I got the Econ job offer. I was just so at peace all day long, that it didn't even register as a day that I was dreading for more than a month.

Funny how things work out, huh?

So here's to another new adventure, to employment, and for people willing to take a chance on me! Here's to hoping I don't screw it up ;)

One and half more days until I start - I cannot even believe it...



April 7, 2015


Writing here yesterday turned out to be pretty therapeutic for me, so here I am again.

Unfortunately, today is not one of my good days.

Some days, I am really mentally and emotionally effected by the things that happen at Longwell's that I see on social media. Today is one of those days, for some reason. And it's stupid and convoluted and obnoxious, so I won't go into it. My crazy sometimes is real crazy.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I stayed up doing my nails because I was in a decent mood. Then I wrote in my new little journal experiment - positives for the day and things for which I am grateful. I fell asleep feeling positive and good. I woke up not so much.

I made myself some cheesy egg beater eggs and toast, watched The Odd Couple (which I am still trying so hard to like, but it puts me off for some reason), and something drove me to Facebook. Then it was downhill from there. Then I went on Twitter, and for some reason, everything I read just made me more sad and dark and twisty. I finally just locked my phone and took a nap.

Then, as I was waking up from my nap, but still just resting, I got a text from my boss with K&Z Distributing. He asked if I would be able to do a Lagunitas event at Longwell's tomorrow night. Let's just say that hurt way more than it should have, for a lot of reasons.

Yes, I want - need - to make any kind of money. But really? An event where I used to work? And it was not just any event - it was Pint Night, which is an event I created and implemented, on a night that I used to manage the restaurant. But then I got pushed out of Pint Night, then pushed out of managing, then pushed out of Wednesday nights. It would be - it is - hard enough to just go to Longwell's at this point, but on that day of the week, for that event? I can't. I couldn't.

And I just feel so awful.

I feel like I should be over this by now. I know they don't miss me; why should I miss them? They moved on; why can't I? Why does this place still effect me the way that it does? It pisses me off! It makes me so angry! And it makes me sad, and feel worthless, and feel like a failure.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I was good at getting over things that happen in my life. Days like today make me wish I was not who I am.

Is it so crazy and irrational that I didn't want to do the event tomorrow night? I met with him last Friday, and he asked about doing events this Thursday and Friday, not Wednesday. I feel stupid for not wanting to do the event, but then I also feel like it was stupid that I was even asked. Why would anyone think that I would want to do that? Why should I be put into that situation?

Anyway, I then sat in the dark for the rest of the day, celebrating National Beer Day.. by myself, in the dark, watching the Glee series finale, and maybe crying just a little (it was Glee, I swear...). I didn't get anything done today - not even reading. Which makes me feel awful. God, it's like I'm living in some fucked up catch twenty-two.

I can't wait until I can go to bed for the night and wake up to a new day.

Here's my new phone background. Yes, another random quote I found while browsing Pinterest. No source, sorry. It rings so true for where I'm at today. It's time for me to turn the page; here's to hoping I will be able to in the very near future.


April 6, 2015

An Interview

found while late night Pinterest browsing..

So I had an interview last Monday.

It was for a job at the University. It's a job that I applied for kind of on a whim. I was qualified (barely), it paid well, it was managerial, it would be a good opportunity. It was also kind of outside of my comfort zone, but only a little (so I thought by the job description - more on that later). I felt bad, though, because I sent in my materials literally less than an hour before the deadline. I honestly figured I had no chance, but that I would feel better if I applied for another job.

Much to my surprise, they called me for an interview on Friday, March 27, for Monday, March 30.

At the very beginning of the interview, the director of the department went over in more detail what the job would actually entail. It was then that I knew there was no way they would hire me, as I was definitely not qualified. I was quite perplexed as to why they even called me in for an interview. Basically, when it came down to it, I would be the business manager and lead accounting person for their entire department. Um, what? 

Quick funny story here - at the end of the director's description of the job, he said that the position would basically need to be the office quarterback, and that he could say that here in Nebraska, because, ya know, Nebraska. There was an odd pause after he said that, and knowing I had no chance at this job, I decided to say...

"So, then I have a question. Are you talking about a quarterback like Taylor Martinez? Or maybe more like Tommy Armstrong? How about Joe Ganz?" 

...to which I received dead-pan stares from everyone on the search committee. OOPS. Apparently they weren't looking forward to a football joke on my end.

The director quickly recovered and gave an answer about being a driven leader with a lot of confidence and respect from fellow teammates, to which I thought to myself "oh, so they are looking for a Tommy Frazier... but I'm gunna let this one go because a) he's actually a douche bag, and b) they are already put off enough.." Instead, I nodded in understanding and mumbled that it made sense and sounded good (or something). Then, bless his little heart, another guy in the interview spoke up and said, "So, we're looking for more of a Tommy Frazier." Haha!

Needless to say, I was much more serious after that...

But there I sat, in an interview - which is already stressful enough on its own - knowing that these people would quickly find out that they wasted their time and my time. I kept catching my mind wandering to why they even decided to interview me, and wondering if I should just stop them before they got too far into the interview.

They even asked me to describe my experience with accounting and the financial side to working in an office. Let's just say, that one was a tough one for me to answer in a positive way, because the answer is basically none.

Throughout the interview, the director kept taking time to stress how much work it would be in accounting and finances, business practices, grants, reimbursements - you name it.

When the interview was finally, mercifully over, I got up, shook their hands, and thanked them for meeting with me. As I walked out the doors of the building, I chuckled to myself and called Derek. I was amused that they even called me in for an interview, but I was also a little miffed that there had been this hope flowing through my body that I would maybe finally get a new job.

Fast forward to Wednesday last week, when I got a phone call from a University number. See, I had also interviewed for a different University job the week before, on Friday, March 27, and I thought that one had gone really well and was hopeful that I'd maybe have a chance at that job. So I was nervous and excited to get a call from a University number.

Alas, no. I was the search committee chair from the department I had interviewed with on Monday. She confirmed with me that they could call my former employers, as I had indicated on my application that they could call, but I wanted to be notified first. I was in utter shock, to be honest. First of all, I had told them in the interview that they could call my former employers, but mostly because at the end of the interview, they indicated that they would only go that far if they were relatively serious about a candidate for the job. Again, um, what?!

I shook it off and went about my day. The director seemed like a by-the-book kind of guy, so maybe they were just doing their due diligence. I was still surprised, because I figured there was absolutely no way they would continue to have any interest in my after that interview.

On Thursday, as I was leaving the house to go pick up a newly released bottle of beer that was in Lincoln for its first time from Scratchtown Brewing (in Ord, Nebraska), I got a text message from the director at my former University job, who I had indicated to be one of my three job references. He told me that the department I had interviewed for on Monday had called for a reference. I could absolutely not believe it!

I called Derek in a panic. Because I had not even been considering that I would get a job offer (no, I don't have a job offer from them, and I still don't really expect that I will get one) from them, and now that there were actual steps being taken that would get me closer to there, I was starting to freak out  a little. Could I actually do this job? Would it be a good decision for me? Are they sure they know what they could be doing?

While texting my mom about it, she said that it was funny, because her and my dad had just been joking that maybe they would want to hire me because the director seemed to want things a very specific, certain way, and that would make me perfect because I would be so trainable due to my lack of experience. I guess I had not thought of it that way, but it does make a little sense I suppose...

I contacted my friend, Elizabeth, who I had worked with at my last University job as well, and told her to let me know if they contacted her. As of yet, they have not. And I had not heard anything from my other reference, Sara, who works for the first place I ever worked on campus, and we still talk and text often. I knew she would tell me once they contacted her.

This whole weekend, I did think it was strange that they would only call one of my references, but thought perhaps that should indicate that they weren't really interested in me for the position.

But then I got a text from my friend Sara this morning, saying she had a voicemail from Friday from that department. Soo, I guess they moved forward with the reference calls.

I have thought about it quite a bit, even though I try to stop myself because I hate to get my hopes up and expect the best, when I know that the worst is likely to happen, but I think I would take the job if they offered it to me.

In the interview, one of the questions about halfway through was, "after hearing more about the job and answering our questions, do you think you would still take the job if offered to you?" The answer that I gave, though true at the time, has really sank in, and now I believe it is my real truth about the job: yes, I would take it. I would take the job because it would be a challenge for me, and I'm looking for that in my life right now. I don't think I want a job that would be easy and be totally in my comfort zone. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to try to go outside my comfort zone. Would it be a hard job, with a lot of expectations and pressure? Absolutely. But I think I need that in my life right now.

So even though I keep trying to tell myself that they will not call, and that I have no chance at this job, I couldn't help but feel butterflies in my stomach when my phone rang about an hour ago. Thinking to myself, holy shit! Is this really happening? Only to look at my phone and realize it was a glass company calling me about a project I had been working on at Longwell's, even though when they called me two weeks ago, I told them that I do not work at Longwell's anymore. Womp womp.

And that's what prompted this post. Now I really can't get the job out of my head. Or the other two jobs that I have interviewed for (Ploughshare (UGH) and the other University one). And I'm trying my hardest to stay strong and not think of myself as a failure. I'm trying to see these as chances I've taken, and no matter the outcome, I would have been kicking myself for not taking the chances in applying for these jobs and interviewing for them. One of these chances I take will turn out positively for me, and I will get a new job, and I will have been glad that I put myself out there.

Hence the picture quote at the beginning of the post. Surprisingly, I've taken to searching quotes on Pinterest, and they have given me more comfort than they ever have before. Definitely not typical Sara, but hey, I'll take what I can get to help me through this interesting time in my life.

That's all I have for today. See ya next time!